You are invited to attend a formal dinner.  The table is crowded with plates, silverware and glasses.  You would like to take a sip of water, but from which glass? 

OR you are at a seated dinner with your significant other at their company event and do not want to embarrass them by doing something inappropriate 

Or perhaps you are dining out with a group as part of the interview process.  How do you stay focused on the discussion when you don’t know which fork to use?  The stress and anxiety that people put themselves through because they lack confidence or are concerned that they don’t know “enough”.

First, take a deep breath and relax.  What is going on in your head is ten times worse than what is really happening. 

You are not going to have a Pretty Woman moment and shoot the escargot across the dining room, but you could select the wrong fork or drink someone else’s water. 

Even the most experienced host, hostess or guest has at some point has had a less than stellar experience, a dining mishap, or full-on etiquette failure at the wrong time.

You can do this!  Here are five easy to remember etiquette tips to help keep everything under control.

1.       BE CHARMING!!  Believe or not, that begins with your body language.  Sit up straight!  Slouchy, unengaged guests are noticed, not in a good way, and you have a role to play!!

Your job is to be a charming guest.  Find something to enjoy about the event and the people around you even if you do not wish to be there.  Shoulders back and hands in your lap.  Observe what is going on around you, smile, participate in the conversations.  Ask open-ended questions to the guests on either side of you, get others to talk and carry on a conversation.

If something goes wrong during the evening be reassured that it can be overlooked.  A charming guest is greatly appreciated and will be much more memorable than any etiquette blunder.  And they are more likely to be invited again.

2.       Wait for the Host or Hostess to begin. To answer a question raised in the opening of this piece, do not reach for anything on the table until after the host or hostess have signaled it is time to begin.  If they do not say it they will pick up their napkins. When they reach for their napkin, reach for your own and take it from the table.  Gently open it up below the tabletop and lay it across your lap.  Fold the top three to four inches of the edge closest to you away from you (think roll it over the top).  Do not wave it in the air or shake it out like a beach towel. 

Wait for the host or hostess to pick up a utensil before beginning to dine, especially if you do not know which one to select first.  If there is not a designated host or hostess, do not begin until everyone at the table is served and follow the lead of others at the table.

3.       A napkin is not towel, do not use it as one!  A napkin is meant to help keep you tidy.  Blot your lips (not wipe), fingertips and remove any crumbs that might have found their way to the area around your mouth.  It is not a handkerchief.  If you need to remove something from your mouth other than a seed, excuse yourself to a bathroom or restroom to do just that.  If you must excuse yourself during the meal, leave your napkin folded in the seat of your chair or on the arm if there is one.  At the end of the meal, leave a napkin folded to the left of your plate.  PLEASE do not wad it up and throw it in the middle of your plate..

4.       Which bread plate and water glass belongs to me?  The bread plate is on the left of your place setting and beverages are on the right side of it; wine, water, iced tea, and coffee.  My favorite hack is the b and d trick.  You may have heard of it before or seen someone at a table doing just that.  Try to do this without being seen. 

With each hand, make a circle with your thumb and index finger and extend the remaining three fingers out together forming a lower-case b on the left and a lower-case d on the right.  B is for bread and D is for drinks.  You’re welcome!

5.       Bread and butter – I could write an entire article just on this one area!  If you have a bread plate, your roll or piece of bread belongs on it not your dinner or salad plate.  If there is not a butter spreader on your bread plate when you are seated, you may use your place knife to do both jobs. 

When consuming bread at the table the first rule is you do not take a bite from your entire piece of bread (even if it is a small muffin or roll) and return it to the bread plate.  Instead, tear off a bite-sized piece, place the larger piece of bread back on the bread plate and then consume the small bite AFTER you have spread butter on IT.  If you choose to not spread butter or other condiments on your bread, simply tear the bite off, place the rest of your bread back on the bread plate and eat the bite you tore off.  PLEASE DO NOT spread butter on the entire roll or slice of bread or roll.  It feels more efficient but is inappropriate.  You butter only what you are about to consume.

So that’s it for my answers to my top five dining concerns!  I hope you learned something from them and will be able to enjoy a formal gathering with more ease and confidence in the future.

Would you do me a favor, please?  Take a moment to let me know what you think in the comments below.  I greatly appreciate any feedback.

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Cheers!