Staying connected to your kids while starting to let go at the start of high school is not easy.  Suffice it to say, this stage brings on changes in your children and the household.  How do you remain connected without hovering and still know what is going on?  The bottom line is you may not know everything. However, here are my top nine bits of advice as your children begin high school that will help you not feel like a deer in headlights. 

I will totally own it!  I absolutely was that deer in headlights when our oldest started high school.  What became apparent to me as she took on more responsibility, was there was more for me too and I was unprepared.  For those of you who are just starting down this road, don’t panic.  I have put together a list of things that I learned or shared with me along the way.  Take a deep breath and read on my friend. 

…everywhere!!  Why?  Well, kids get in your car and they start to talk.  Like any good chauffeur, I strongly encourage you to not speak unless spoken too beyond a greeting and a goodbye unless absolutely necessary.  Just listening will give you insight into who your child is choosing to hang out with.  By the time they are a junior, you are out of this loop.

Show them how to reach out to teachers and counselors via whatever method those adults request. Be sure that your child knows how to copy and blind copy you on emails as well as when they should do that.  If it helps to give them a template to get them started, do it.  By the time they are a junior, they probably will not need to include you unless there is a conflict and they truly need help. This also gets them in the habit of communicating with professors when they go to college.

Be sure to include all activities, awards, honors, and leadership; have them help you update it every year.  Why do you need this?  YOU do not, but THEY will when they begin to complete college applications.  If your daughter is going through formal recruitment, the list will include most of what they need for a social resume’.  And finally, it is a wonderful way to help them evaluate their efforts and see if they need to take on other opportunities or interests to round things out.

Have their back but no judgment.  At some point afterwards, when things are calm, ask them the question.  “How do you think you can avoid this in the future?”  You may surprised by the response. This is a great way to learn.

They need to try different things.  Clubs, organizations, classes, even activities away from their usual circle of friends.  This was impactful for both our children.  Each took direction from high school experiences to choose their field of study in college. One from an elective she took the second semester of her senior year and the other discovered her calling to work directly with special needs children by joining and leading a group that fosters friendship between special needs and mainstream students. 

Without input… UNTIL THEY ASK!!  This is excruciatingly hard but vital to keep them coming back to you.  Also, when they walk in the door and start to talk if it is at all possible STOP what you are doing to listen. Don’t push them off or you will lose the opportunity.

When they are high school freshmen is ideal! If possible, work in road trips over breaks or on your way somewhere.  Our oldest was a cheerleader in high school and missing events to go take a full tour was hard in the fall.  All of her choices were out of state so we had to cobble it all together. Spring of her junior year she and I took road trips to experience drives and take formal tours.  Then my husband flew with her after Friday night games or early Saturday morning in the fall to get a feel for campus life and attend a football game.  Before that, whenever we were traveling somewhere we tried to at least drive through campus. We had one formal tour over spring break of her junior year too.

Collaborate with your son or daughter to have one. There will be times that your child feels uncomfortable at an event, but they are also not comfortable just leaving.  We had a phrase that the girls could text us to let us know an exit strategy was needed.  It was not used often, but it was used.  I also made sure that they understood I would pick them up whenever or wherever, with no questions asked any time of the day or night.  I completely reserved the right for questions and consequences later, but their safety was always first.       

What can I say?  This is one of your most important tools. Do not ignore or marginalize it. Sometimes things just don’t add up!  If something is off, get to the bottom of why you feel this way.  If that means you need to electronically track them, do it!  This is controversial to some.  In my opinion, the law may say they are adults, but even the most mature, rational kid is not always going to make the best decisions. I made it abundantly clear that if it was a choice between their privacy or their safety, privacy was out the window. As a mom I think it is my responsibility to make sure that they get there.  Every household is different and it is your call.

That is it!!  Nine tips to help you all get through high school.  I know it sounds like a lot but these tools really do work and make it easier for you to survive these four short years.

Volunteer to drive, teach them to advocate for themselves, start a detailed list of activities, allow them to make mistakes, advocate involvement outside of their usual path, be ready to listen, start visiting colleges, have an exit strategy, and last but not least, trust your radar.

Enjoy the moments, they are special and fleeting.  Before you know it, your high schooler will graduate.  I hope you found some help here. Just know that you can get through this with your sanity intact!!

Have any tips of your own?? Feel free to share them here and take a moment to let me know what you think down below. Want more goodness to help you navigate the empty nest?  Join my email list and be among the first to know when new things are posted. 

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