The Empty Nest in Stages
My friends who have children still in middle and high school crack me up!
They make me laugh because they will look me over and ask quietly, “So, what’s it like? Being an empty nester?” Almost like I am doing something illegal! Or having too much fun! Ha!! My response has been a smile followed by, “it has surprised me repeatedly”. And even though it has not been as easy as I had hoped, I still would not go back if I could.
I have a theory about the empty nest that I would like to share with you today. First, you do not just wake up one morning and you are done. Like so much of our lives, it really happens in stages. Everyone’s experience along the way, of course, is unique depending upon how many children you have, and how far apart they are in age etc. For the record, I would not call the nest truly empty until all my offspring are graduated, employed and no longer living with us. To let you know what I am talking about, I have outlined what I see as The Stages of The Empty Nest!
Pre-Launch – Also known as The Senior Year – And what I consider God’s way of making sure that I was not curled up in a fetal position when the kids left for college. You may be feeling a little blue about this being their last year in high school and that an era is coming to an end. Trust me when I say this, by the time graduation rolls around, you will have a countdown rolling, if only in your head. Because if you don’t get them out of your house soon, “…someone’s going to emergency and someone’s going to jail!”, thank you Don Henley! Know that you are not alone. My biggest piece of advice, especially if this is your first kiddo, start the TO DO list NOW of everything you can possibly think of that needs to be completed between now and move-in next August and pack your patience.
Here’s why. One major threshold during the Pre-Launch phase is college acceptance. Obviously, this is a huge moment. That moment, plus 2-minutes marks the beginning of The Great Shift. Your loving and delightful high school senior will begin to glaze over after they have taken and posted their “I got in !” photo. They will start to disengage, from everything because they know where they will be next fall! Your only hope may be reminding them that they still must maintain their grades even if they are exempt from final exams. Typically, they will do what they have committed to, but it is all boring and not fun (in their opinion) and not done with the same level of excellence because in their minds there is no point.
Second Semester - This, in my opinion, is the first level of Hell also known as the beginning of the prom, graduation mantra. It is all and I mean ALL they will be thinking about, especially if they know where they are going to school in the fall. The exception will be things related to any scheduled travel, college roommates, housing and when they can sign up for orientation; for girls decorating their dorm room and possibly recruitment. If college admissions are still a work in progress, this can be a pretty stressful time. It will all come together, and the end of high school will be staring you in the face before you know it.
Launch - Stage 1 - The Transition Phase - The senior year of high school has been completed and graduation is done. Many are finalizing the departure details for the first semester away from home. Orientation, family travels, packing and they’re off to college! There is a lot of activity, perhaps some limit-pushing because you know they are adults now; allegedly. Then you drop them off at school and move on to Stage 2.
Launch - Stage 2.0 – Away at College – You will often find yourself operating in multiple roles. Full-time Parent, Private Investigator, and Coach to name a few. You are giving your college kid their space but every so often you just have to ping their phone or check their bank records to see what they are up to; especially if they are not answering your text messages quickly enough. If you have more children at home, everything is fluid. One is out the door and the dynamic in the house has shifted. IF you have only one child skip down to Stage 3, otherwise, keep reading.
The college kid could be having a hard time adjusting to how different their world has become. It is not immediate and overnight happiness. Your radar may go up and shift between parent and coach a bit; trust your radar!
When they come home for breaks, there is re-entry to get everyone on the same page again. The young adult that has been away at school expects the family pace and dynamic to not have changed. They expect everything to be exactly what it was before he or she left AND they think they should not have the same rules that they had when they left for college. It takes a bit of time and patience for everyone to adjust to the shifts, but it does become familiar and develop its own rhythm. Be patient.
Launch - Stage 2.5 - Rinse and repeat. If you have more than two kids, just know that as each one leaves you go through a similar shift as described above in Stage 2. At the same time the older children may be finishing college and living at home until they are employed and on their own. Skip down to Stages 3-4 to see what happens next. As the demands on your time lessen at home, how are you filling the space? I began making some changes in the house; purging closets and storage to better fit a house full of adults. I began making lists of what I wanted to be sure they knew how to do before they left for college and what else they might need to learn about while they were home on breaks.
Launch - Stage 3 The last baby has left for college – You will still go through the family dynamic shifts outlined in Stage 2. The difference is there are no children left at home to focus on and you are probably better at the coaching part and less Private Detective. The young adults in your life still cycle through your house for breaks or to come to visit. You are getting much more of a feel for what the rest of your lives will be like. Hopefully, you have been able to take a little time to outline what you want your life to look like once the nest is empty. There is practically no laundry and the dog is snuggled up next to you because the maniacs are not there to stir it up.
Launch - Stage 4 – All gone! - Four years of college (hopefully) are completed. Your son or daughter may be back home while they look for a job or before they begin post-graduate work. Or they may be gainfully employed and moving into an apartment.
If they are looking for a job, do not be surprised if they seem a little lost. This time can be disconcerting to them. Most of their lives they have known exactly what the next step was going to be. Also, more than likely they do not know how to market themselves. (That is for a whole different post that is in the works)
Now is a great time to encourage them to not put all their eggs in one or two baskets to find a job. Be patient and coach on. They will find a job and be able to afford to move out. Your nest will be officially empty! So what’s next for you?Time to sell the house and go explore the world a bit more? Learning how to paint or sculpt? Keeping bees and growing lavender and live trees? Blogging? Photography? Yes, all these things are a part of my list! I’ve a bit of time still, the best isn’t completely empty yet
So that’s it! Almost everything no one ever told you about what is coming! I have to admit, we have had more fun during this process. It has been hard to see our children struggle when things go wrong. BUT watching them overcome adversity and grow as independent young women has been worth every bump on the road!
I hope this helped. Please let me know what you think in the comments down below.
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